Friday, November 30, 2007

Dumb questions parents ask

Why is it that parents can't seem to do a damned thing without asking their kids dumb questions? Due to circumstances of late, I found myself in the grocery store at one of the worst possible times - shortly after school let out. A mom was shopping with 2 kids, a boy about 8 and a girl who looked to be around 4 years old. Mom asks the girl "What do we want for dinner?" (what is it with parents and plural pronouns?) The little girl replies "chicken nuggets." Mom says "sweetie, we had chicken nuggets last night. Let's pick something else. " "I want chicken nuggets!" "Sweetie, mommy thinks we should have something else tonight..." and on it went. If "mommy" wanted to serve something else, why did she ask the kid? Why didn't she just choose what she wanted to serve? I think that parents go out of their way to make it harder on themselves. And then they wonder why they're so tired.


The 5 dumbest questions I hear most often:

1. Do we have to go potty?
Doesn't Mom know (I've never heard a Dad ask that question) if she has to go or not? Why is it "Do WE have to go potty"? And why are you asking the kid? (excuse me, child. I was told by a reader that "a kid is a baby goat." Um, that's apropos more often than not.) Why not take the kid/child...you see them do the "potty dance," take them to the bathroom! I've never heard a child say "Yes, I do have to go potty now, thank you."

2. Do I have to spank you?
If you even have to ask, the answer is (psychologically/politically incorrect) probably yes. I've also never heard a child say "Yes, I do believe that I could use a good spanking now."

3. Aren't you cold? Don't you want to wear your coat?
Mom, if you got up off of your butt and ran around as much as your child does, you'd be hot, too. Children have a higher metabolism. If they were cold, I'm fairly certain that they would ask for a coat before they froze to death.

4. Don't you want to eat that?
If the child wanted to eat whatever it is, he would. If he leaves it there, he doesn't want to eat it. If you want him to eat, just tell him to eat it.

5. It's time to go home now. Are you finished playing?
You just set yourself up for that one! You got the first part right...it's time to go home. Asking "are you finished playing" almost guarantees that you'll soon end up countng to three. Readers know my take on that: Do you want me to count to three?

How to contact me. You can leave a comment, or email me at DearParent@gmail.com Due to the number of emails I receive, it could take a few days to respond. Thanks for understanding.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Marie Osmond

I acknowledge in advance that this post will likely erupt into a flames war. Flame suit is on.

I don't understand Marie Osmond. The mother of 8 children, I wonder how much time she actually spends with her children? I understand that she's a singer, a dancer, she designs dolls, and has a new line of quilting fabric out this year. In addition, she has a line of sewing machines and embroidery sewing machines. Plus her various charitable works, and I've probably only scratched the surface. Is she trying to keep up with her brothers? Out do them?

Just the practices alone for the Dancing With the Stars has to be time consuming and grueling. Parenting is time consuming enough; when does she sleep? It was recently revealed on Larry King Live that her 16 year old son is in rehab. Her daughters were in the news in the not too distant past for their bawdy Myspace pages. Admitting to "whoring" and so on.

While Marie entertains the world and busies herself with so many distractions, who is mothering her kids? Who is teaching them that it isn't safe to post about their sexual lives on the Internet? Who is there supervising, knowing who their friends are, knowing where they are, talking with them, teaching them?

How can she continue to 'dance with the stars' while her son is in rehab? I suppose it would be politicaly incorrect to comment "Nero fiddled while Rome burned"?

Marie isn't the only one following her bliss, I realize. But many women and girls look up to her. Once one decides to bring children into this world, one should make them a priority.

Yes, I know that kids without working parents can have problems, too. But I would bet anything that parents who are there for their kids, working or not, will have fewer and less severe problems. I seriously doubt that Marie needs the income from her various endeavors...but I do not doubt that her kids need her. Once they're grown - and it happens too fast - she will have the rest of her life to find her bliss.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Thanksgiving from hell

Below is an email, reprinted with permission, that I received from a reader. Dear Parent, wake up! Teach your kids how to be a guest in someone else's home! Teach them manners...teach them to use an inside voice...teach them to not go upstairs unless given permission...teach them that a closed door means that they are to NOT enter unless invited to do so. I, too, have had guests with children who seem to think that, since we invited them, that we should put up with their children's bad behavior. It isn't cute, Dear Parent. It isn't amusing.


Dear Anonymous Parent,

I first read your blog a little over a week ago and, at first, I didn't like it. I thought you were one of those people who hate kids or something! I am due to give birth to our first child in six weeks, and am in the stage where anything to do with kids is of interest to me. Until Thanksgiving Day...

We decided, since we are soon to be parents, that we would have families come to our home for the Thanksgiving meal. We invited family and friends to come early to watch the parade on TV and have hot cocoa and doughnuts.

About an hour before the meal was to be served, I noticed that it had become quiet. I didn't see many of the children around. I thought that perhaps they were outside. I went upstairs to rest for a few minutes and to change my clothes. When I went upstairs, I heard noise from the nursery, which is all ready for the new baby. Six children were in the nursery (the door had been closed, and, when I grew up, one did not enter a room if the door was closed. We thought that was a rule that everyone respected!). I had about a dozen or so wrapped baby gifts that had not yet been opened, as well as wrapped Christmas presents for family. These children had opened the gifts and played with them, strewing paper and boxes everywhere. Two children had climbed into the crib and jumped up and down, and had pulled down the mobile. The bassinet was turned over, and there were muddy footprints all over the carpet. I called my husband to come up and he was shocked at the mess. He brought their parents upstairs to view the damage, while I went on to my room regroup, de-stress, and change my clothes. There were several preteens lying on my bed, watching my TV, and eating snacks, which they had spilled. I nearly lost it right then and there. I didn't know things were going to get even worse...

My mom had been helping me to prepare food for our guests. I asked her to come up and remove the older kids and take them to their parents. I went into my bathroom, and met the worst mess I've ever seen. One of the four year olds, a girl, had had a bowel movement. She wiped herself and threw the paper into the toilet. But then she removed the messy, wet paper and applied it to the walls of the bathroom, which had just been wallpapered. The wet mess seeped down the paper and under the baseboard trim. There were pieces of messy papered stuck all over the walls, the back of the door, the vanity, and the shower glass door.

The parents of this little girl said to my husband and myself that we will soon know what it is like to be parents. They laughed and said how "creative" their daughter is. The did not offer to clean up the mess, nor did they offer to reimburse us for having to have the room cleaned and papered.

I probably handled it very badly...I asked everyone to go home. I couldn't deal with a wrecked house (we didn't expect it to remain immaculate, we knew things would be spilled and were okay with normal wear and tear). We had to pay a company to come in and clean up the bathroom, and it will have to be repapered.I have never experienced this level of disrespect. The adults seem to have the "kids will be kids" attitude.

I am determined to raise my child to be respectful, and, when we go out with our child, to know where our child is and what he/she is doing.

Thanks for writing your blog. I hope more parents read it and take it to heart. If someone made a movie out of what our Thanksgiving Day was like, I don't think people would believe it. I am still stunned that parents think that rude, disrespectful, and damaging behavior is okay!

Sincerely,

a new reader

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Dr. Laura and Kathleen Parker

I've been asked several times over the past few days why I link to Dr. Laura and Kathleen Parker.

I have not listened to the Dr. Laura radio show for over 10 years. I often agreed with what she said, but not how she said it. One can make a point without being inflammatory. Her radio show was on during the time that I took my young child to school, and I don't feel that her program is one that young children should be exposed to. It was a half hour drive to school, and I didn't my child going to school with Dr. Laura ringing in his ears!

But Dr. Laura is an advocate of children. There is good advice on her website about teaching them responsibility, there is advice for those who want to make a go of staying home with their kids. One does not need to agree with 100% of what a person says...take the nuggets of gold and leave the rest.

Kathleen Parker has been descibed as "anti-feminist." This isn't a blog for feminism, it a blog for parents to read and "do the right thing," as Dr. Laura says. Parker's column likewise has nuggets of gold for parents.

Take what we need, and leave the rest. Simple.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The "big picture"

It seems that today, parents don't keep the "big picture" in mind...what do they hope their children will be like as adults? Industrious, hard-working, good citizens, responsible? Or petulant, lazy, unmotivated with a "me, first" attitude?

If parents want their children to grow up to be responsible citizens, hard-working and an asset to society, many of you are going about it the wrong way. Giving kids too much, when they want it, and you're liable to raise kids with a "gimmee" attitude, and thankless to boot. Kids who do not learn to delay gratification and work for what they want, saving for what they want, grow up to expect a paycheck just for showing up. They expect the best, without having to work for it.

Think ahead to what kind of adult you want your children to be. And then chart--and stay--the course. Assign them regular responsibilities. Teach them manners, and require them to use them. Dear Parent, a child of 7 or 8 calling his mother a "poopy head" is not funny. Teach them to save by requiring them to save. Don't give them everything that they want. Teach them what wants and needs are. Be a good role model...don't buy things just because someone else does. Volunteer in the community, and have your children do so. If you want them to be kind, treat them with kindness. "You moron!" is not kind.

Think ahead, Dear Parent, because the future is closer than it seems. Think about what kind of adult you want your child to be, and then act accordingly. Keep the big picture in mind. You aren't raisng children, you're raising future adults. You have a responsiblity to your child, and to society.

Monday, November 19, 2007

"...and we thought cluelessness was for teenagers."

That was a line from Kathleen Parker's recent column. In her column, she tells about a teen girl being interviewed about "hooking up" by an author. Here's the excerpt from the column in question:

"As one young woman explained "hooking up" to Washington Post writer Laura Sessions Stepp (author of the book Unhooked): "First you give a guy oral sex and then you decide if you like him."

This conversation took place in the family room of the girl's home. Immediately after that definition was served, the mother offered Stepp a homemade cookie. And we thought cluelessness was for teenagers.
"

The mother served cookies??? I'd have been tossing my cookies. Mom, answer your clue phone by reading the book Unhooked, Laura Sessions Stepp. And, for on-going homework, I sentence you to reading Kathleen Parker's column every week.

Once upon a time, when marriage preceded sex

Where are your kids?

Dear Parent,

Do you know where your kids are? Do you know who they are with? Do you know what they are doing? Apparently the parents of several children in Acworth, GA, did not know where their kids were. Three boys - all of ehe ages of 8 and 9 - are charged with rape, kidnapping, sexual assault and false imprisonment for an attack on an 11-year-old girl.

That such an attack happened with such young children makes me wonder what they are exposed to in the home, what values they are taught. Where were the parents of these children? At this age, parents should know where their kids are, and with whom.

Three young boys arrested in rape case

Sunday, November 18, 2007

More evidence...

More evidence that parents are not doing a good job of raising their kids. Read what some mothers did, along with their daughter's, and it led to the suicide of a 13-year-old girl. And it doesn't appear that there's a thing that the cops can do about it.

Parents say fake online 'friend' led to girl's suicide

And there's the mother who bought her son guns. He's 14 and threatened to shoot up his school. Doesn't every mother buy her 14-year-old a 9mm assault rifle? And I wonder why his parents didn't know that he was in posession of "a cache of guns, knives, and hand grenades." There's your sign...

Police: Bullied boy, 14, arrested for weapons cache

More to come...

Insulting and judgmental

If one is insulted because I take umbrage with the way kids (mis)behave and (un)dress in public, then good! Maybe you will wake up and get rid of hoochie mama/prison garb that your kids wear. When my kids wanted such clothing, they were told "When you are no longer living in this house, you may dress however you want to dress, as long as you can afford it and deal with any consequences." One kid piped up "Well, by then I'll know better!" The kid already knew. Sometimes, kids want parents to make the decisions. Most of the time, I believe they do want us to make the decisions. Then they can tell their friends that they can't do whatever because of their parents...they don't want to be grounded, lose use of a car, leave the house to go out in public, and so on. No child of mine would leave the house looking like she's ready for a night of sex. Just call me old-fashioned.

Judgmental? I'll cop to that, too. We are all judgmental. We judge the restaurants we eat at, the movies we see, the people we come into contact with. If we were not a judgmental society, anything at all would go. Even crime. It's heading in that direction now, and it is time for more people to be judgmental. PC crap will get us in an even worse mess.

What evidence do I have?

Another email, from another parent. "You sound like you don't think very highly of parents. What evidence do you have that parents aren't doing their job? Your posts are insulting and judgmental"

What evidnce do I have that parents today aren't doing a good job? Where do I begin...the evidence could fill a book. Many books, in fact.

At a restaurant recently, two teen boys were cursing up a bluestreak while their parents stood by and didn't say a word. I often hear parents calling their kids "stupid," "dummy," moron," "no good," "lazy" and so on. Kids will up or down to your expectations, but many parents are too damned wimpy to set standards or expectations. That might mean they'll actually have to do something when the kid misbehaves. Lord forbid Mom should get up off the computer or Dad should get up from the TV. The world is full of armchair parents. Hey, Dear Parent! Raising children is NOT a spectator sport!

More evidence: Teen girls walking around looking like hoochie mamas. "Princess" on the bottom of her short, short shorts. "Made you look" across the chest of a T-shirt that was well filled out. Boys with pants so baggy, the crotch is at their knees. There's your sign...

Dear Parent, is it realy your desire to see your daughter's emulating the Hooters waitresses, or your son's emulating the prison culture? I, for one, don't want to look at your daughter's cleavage, her belly button, or any other part of her intimate anatomy. I do not want to see your son's butt crack or his underwear.

More coming soon.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

...There wasn't anything I could do about it.

I received an email from the mother of a 3-year-old. Mom writes "My daughter was a diva for Halloween, too. But there wasn't anything I could do about it. She saw the diva outfit in a costume store and demanded it. She cried and carried on when I showed her some other darling costumes. Sometimes, we have to pick our battles and give in to kids when they truly want something. It doesn't make them spoiled. She loves her costume so much that I can't get her to wear anything else."

She isn't spoiled? She demands what she wants, and mom gives in to keep the peace. She won't wear anything else? Alrighty then. I hope mom is saving now for the caretaker she may need in her old age.

I disagree that mom "couldn't do anything about it." If my child had pitched a fit in a store, we'd leave without having purchasing anything. Been there, done that.

How about just bringing home what you want them to wear, or helping the child to make a costume? You might not win the approval of the other moms, but so what? Does their approval mean anything? Will the world end without it? Think of what is good for your family, not how it looks to others.

Mom, your clue phone is ringing...the rest of the world is not going to give in to your daughter's demands. You need to become an authority in her life before she goes to school. She needs to learn to listen, to take "no" for an answer, and to be obey authority figures. Before she can grow up, you need to grow up and become the parent. YOU should not be kowtowing to your child.

A mom who thinks that there's nothing she can do about a child who is demanding needs a reality check. She should keep reading this blog.

* Note to readers: Thanks for the comments on this blog and for the emails. I promise to respond to them all as quickly as possible. And yes, I do intend to "rock on." Thanks!

Friday, November 16, 2007

"My daughter is a diva"

I saw a cute little girl dressed for Halloween at a mall not too long ago. I asked her what her costume was...not really a princess, but something girly. Her mother haughtily replies "My daughter is a diva." I've been hearing diva this and diva that for the past year and it seems to be catching on like wildfire. An Internet search on diva shows a "Camp Diva" website which says that the Diva Campers have "...a light in their eye, a spring in their step, a positive outlook on life. She is a divine goddess." Alrighty then. I wonder if these "divine goddesses" have chores, wait their turn, and do their own homework? Do divine goddesses even go to school? I can imagine a classroom of divine goddesses. Do divine goddesses need math, history, and English?

I cannot imagine uttering the words "My daughter is a diva." Does that make them more special than non-divas?

I asked several women with daughters if they've heard of this diva thing. "Heard of it? OMG, we live with it!" I wanted to ask why they live with it, but thought maybe they were diva wannabees or they had to keep up with the other moms. My daughter is more diva than your daughter, I guess. One mom told me about a website that has ideas for diva parties, and her daughter wants "everything on the website, and everything pink, for her party." I bet she wants diva-worthy gifts as well. What does one get a diva for her eleventh birthday? After spending "only $500" on a party, she still wants gifts. Amazing. Whatever happened to cake and ice cream and playing outside with friends?

I think of the divas of today and wonder how they will treat their elderly parents one day. I can't imagine a diva cleaning up after mom and dad, changing them, helping them to eat. If a child is elevated to diva and "divine goddess" status as children, what on earth kind of adults will they be? Expect to be waited on, instead of volunteering in their community? Time will tell, but a diva by any other name seems to be adding up to "spoiled child." The kids may be having fun now, but spoiled kids generally grow up to be unpleasant people to be around.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Do you want me to count to three???

If I've heard that once, I've heard it a million times. Is that the best that parents can do? Little Jimmy doesn't want to leave the ice cream store and pitches a fit. Mom stands there and asks simperingly "Do you want me to count to threeeeee?" Jimmy howles louder. "Okay then. One." Long pause, Jimmy obviously isn't getting with the program. "One and a half." I wonder if she'll go for one and three quarters? Personally, at this point, I'd sell. "Two." Goody! We're getting somewhere and only three minutes have passed. "Two and a half..." Mom looks desperate now. She knows everyone is watching. We're thinking "Why the hell don't you just pick him up and take him to the car? Why not show him who is in charge?!"

"Okay then, you're going to make me say three and you know what'll happen then. No Sponge Bob Square Pants after dinner." Little Jimmy couldn't care less. Mom is about to lose her cookies, and he knows it. "Okay then, three. No Sponge Bob tonight. Let's go now sweetie or you won't get dessert, either." Eight minutes have passed. Mom is sweating. Management is starting to get worried that customers will leave. Little Jimmy looks all set to keep going, when an older woman walks up to him and says "Young man, get up off of that floor, take your mothers hand and GO HOME!" Jimmy is so startled that he stops howling, gets up off the floor, takes his mothers hand and says "I want to go home now."

How about that? Parents, take a lesson from this older woman, and from Jimmy. Kids don't want you to count to three. They want direction. Don't put them into the position of having to make grown-up decisions. The kid looked to be about three years old...when you're ready to leave, take his hand and leave. Don't ask him if he's ready to go. Tell him "It's time to go."

Don't be a wimpy, wishy-washy touchy feely parent. Take charge. Be the parent. 'Cause if you don't, you'll make me do something really dramatic like count to three, and you wouldn't want that!

About this blog...

Dear Parent,

This blog is about you. I am a parent as well. I am sick and tired of your kids bad behavior. Unruly children disrupting other diners in restaurants. Neighborhood bullies. Kids who kill animals. Kids who kill other kids. Kids who terrorize their classroom. Are your children addicted to TV, computers, video games, drugs, alcohol?

Where are you, Dear Parent? Are you yakking on the phone to all your friends? Are you on the computer, oblivious to your children? Are you working to buy more stuff to give your kids to keep them out of your hair? Here's your clue phone ringing: They don't NEED more stuff. They need YOU. They need a routine, structure, and parents with the balls to just say NO.

Your kids need chores. They need to know what responsibility is. They need parents who are adults and make the decisions. They need a normal bedtime, not out running the strets at all hours.

You have to work to buy groceries, pay the rent/mortgage? Fine. This blog is not about bashing parents. THIS IS YOUR WAKE UP CALL! While you work, do you know where your kids are? Are the supervised? Do they have chores, are they doing their homework? Or are their brains being addled by electronic media?

I know that many parents are not raising their kids properly. For those who are doing it right, this blog is not about you, so save your umbrage. How do I know that many parents are not raising their kids right? Keep reading this blog and you will see what I mean. Stay tooned...