Circumstances almost beyond my control had me in two places that, on normal days, would be no problem. But this wasn't a normal day...it was Christmas Eve. And the places were a mall and a grocery store. Perfect places and time to observe human nature, however, and I had plenty to observe. First, the mall.
I never eat at food courts. Over-priced artery clogging fare is not my idea of food. But I was being treated by the person whom I had given a ride to the mall. Fortunately, I was able to find something that wouldn't trigger an intestinal upset.
As I'm eating with the person who had needed a ride to the mall to do some last-minute shopping, a little boy of about 6 had been running around several tables and grabbing food from the trays of those with whom he was sitting (when he sat). He then runs by our table and attempts to grab food from my tray. Knowing what he had been doing, I lifted my tray in time and told him "No, this is my food." Hearing no, he reacted violently by kicking my table and then threw himself to the floor and screamed.
His mother comes over and talks to him soothingly about the "bad person" who told him no, to come back to the table and she'd give him some cookies. She then looks at me and tells me "He's an Aspie." I asked her what that meant. "You should educate yourself! And you should learn that they have rights!" I asked if Aspie's had the right to snatch food off of the tables of total strangers.
Here's a clue for the Mom of Aspie: We all have rights. And we all have responsibilities. And we all have obligations. I didn't say that to Mom of Aspie, though. I asked her a question:
Are you familiar with the story of Helen Keller?
She said yes, she'd read the book as a child and had seen the movie.
So I asked her about Helen's early life before Annie Sullivan arrived. Did she remember what Helen was like?
Mom of Aspie's face drained of color but she didn't say anything. I reminded her that Helen had been described by family and friends as "wild, like an animal." She grabbed food from the plates of those she dined with. She ran around and knocked things to the floor. She'd hit and scratch if she didn't get her way, so she always got her way. And her father began to recognize that this could not go on, and so he looked for someone to help Helen.
Annie Sullivan is often called The Miracle Worker, and is believed by some to have used behavior modification before anyone else. Those who know the story know that Helen went on to do great things for the rest of her life, accomplishing more than many people who were not Deaf, mute, and blind.
If a child who had that many handicaps can overcome them and become world-famous, responsible, and a help to others, why cannot the children of today who are labeled Bipolar, ADD/ADHD, ODD, Aspie, and so on be trained and worked with so that they, too, can accomplish great things? Will drugging them and letting them get away with mistreating other people truly help them? Will it help society?
I would advise that parents get and read a copy of any of the books on Helen Keller's life and apply the methods she used to civilize a Deaf, mute and blind child.
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11 comments:
Don't generalize the behavior of one parent and child to that of all parents and children with difficult disorders. They are no more of one mind and outlook than you and the rest of the world. If you've met one child with autism, you've met one child with autism. You haven't met them all. Same goes for other disabilities.
Have you read Look Me In the Eye by John Robison? Have you read Temple Grandin's autobiographies?
The mother of the boy you encountered didn't handle the situation correctly. However, nothing is as simplistic as you try to make it appear on your blog.
I generalize in the respect that I see many kids with labels who are allowed to run roughshod over everyone else, and I think that their parents could do a better job of teaching them to not bother others. It would be for their benefit as well. If a child as handicapped as Helen Keller could be civilized, why not kids who are not so handicapped?
Thanks for reading and commenting.
~Anonymous Parent
bvs: You're right that the mother did not handle the situation correctly.
I feel the correct response was "I'm very sorry." If more explanation was needed (for instance, if the boy threw a screaming tantrum right under Anonymous Parent's table) she could mention that he has Asperger's and she is trying to calm him but it's very difficult.
All children everywhere have the exact same rights, and none of those rights include stealing food off the plates of strangers. Saying that a child with Asperger's has the right to act like a total tit in public is not "rights". It's claiming special privileges. If the child can't tell that something is a wrong thing to do, and then throws a fit when a stranger rightly says "Hey, stop that", then the onus is on the caretaker to deal with it. The caretaker does not have the right to demand that everyone in the world change their view of right and wrong to handle a child's specific behavior problem.
Most people I know are very tolerant as long as it appears the parent is doing their best to correct the child's behavior. Society has been beaten over the head with Autism, ADHD, and Asperger's and we know that children like this can have very upsetting behaviors in public.
It's still up to the parents to apologize for those behaviors and gently explain why the child is acting that way. The parent should not try to shame strangers into believing that they are the problem when the real problem is the child.
Thank you for your blog! Because of it, I had the courage to stand up to a family at the movies. On Christmas Day, we took our two boys and my niece to the movies. Shortly after the movie started, several children sitting behind us would kick our seats. Then they began throwing popcorn and giggline. I told my kids to just ignore them and they would stop. But they didn't. One of the adults asked one of the kids if he could "land" a piece of popcorn on my niece's head! Of course they tried. I was livid at this point, and my kids had sat quietly. I turned around and said "Please keep your popcorn to yourself." The mom retorted bacj "Oh for God's sake, they're just kids having fun!" I told them in my meanest voice "If any of you hit us again with your popcorn, I'll charge you with assault." I gave each of them a glare that said "I'm not fooling around."
The father's foot would "accidentally" hit the back of my seat from time to time, so I turned and looked at him and said "If you kick my chair, one more time, I'm reporting you to management." I didn't keep my voice low...those around us knew that this family was being an abnoxious nuisance and were delighted that I wasn't taking it. An usher with a flashlight came up and asked if there was a problem. I showed him the popcorn thrown around where we sat and who had done it. I told him that they would kick our seats and that I had warned them that if they hit us again with popcorn that we'd charge them with assault.
The usher came back a few minutes later with free movie pases and coupons for the snack area! The "obnoxious family" had the pleasure of being obnoxious, but my children had the pleasure of remaining quiet. A reward wasn't necessary but it was nice!
Keep up the good work. If the parents who NEED to read your blog don't read it, or don't agree with it, at least it gives some of us the courage to speak up and not just tolerate it. Thank you!!
"Aspies" can be taught common courtesy. That Mom's lazy. Asking her about Helen Keller was a great move! I'll have to remember that one.
Children have NO rights! They don't work, they don't pay taxes and they don't vote. What they do have are parents and/or guardians to take all the heat for all the trouble they cause until they are old enough to be tried as adults.
"...nothing is as simplistic as you try to make it appear on your blog." Bull. It is simple to expect that kids will not try to grab food off people's plates, and that if they do, their parents will correct them, not make excuses for them.
There's autism in my family, btw, so go pull the Holy Martyr Mommy act somewhere else.
This isn't about an Aspie, but my post is about special needs people in general who are allowed to run hog wild.
My boyfriend, L, has a younger brother, J, with Down Syndrome. His parents (now in their early 60s) have been asking him to assume responsibility of J once they cannot. L has refused, and so have I. We love him, but hell if we will be responsible for him. I know this sounds selfish, but we have a good reason.
J is a spoiled, manipulative little brat. He's sweet, but he's like a cute puppy that chews slippers and pees on the rug. While L got a strict military upbringing with plenty of whoopings, J was never so much as reprimanded. I think it's partially his mom's way of having her sweet little boy stay a baby forever.
J's offenses have included:
1) Shoving L off of a boat into water THAT HAD CROCODILES IN PLAIN VIEW because he thought it was funny.
2) Snatching L's Walkman off his belt and smashing it right in front of their parents. When L got pissed, his dad phisically disciplined L.
3) L once played a trick on J involving switching salt and sugar, which put J into a homicidal rage. J chased L sound with a knife. L had to lock himself in the bathroom until J's temper tantrum subsided, and found the knife embedded about 3/4 inch in the door.
Once again, J was NEVER SO MUCH AS REPRIMANDED, even for putting L's life in danger. Basically, L knows that he would be stuck with a spoiled, indulged child with temper tantrums in an adult body. He also knows that J generally stays on his best behavior for mommy and daddy because they're the hands that feed him, but L is free game. We don't trust him, and we're not going to be stuck with the consequences of someone else's bad parenting.
It infuriates me off that special needs children are given such leeway. I mean, yeah, they have special needs, but they at least need to be raised as normal as possible, complete with discipline. Even though J will never mature past a 5-year old level, he's set in his ways because his parents indulged him. I've seen this all too often. I took care of a mentally retarded man who was spoiled by his parents and grandparents, but then grew up into a very spoiled, obese, violent, bratty person who needed to be put into a facility because he was a danger to his family. For Pete's sake, he punched his frail old grandma! You reap what you sow. Normal kids at least have a chance of getting their butts whooped into reality or getting jail time, but special needs kids are eternal children. L and I are not getting the short end of his parents' shortcomings. It's absolutely selfish to assume that the world is going to revolve around your bad parenting. Most people are forgiving as long as efforts are being made, but rightfully have no tolerance of lazy slackers.
Addendum to my story about my boyfriend's brother:
Lax parents of special needs children often whine about how hard it is to raise these children, and that we're so mean because we expect basic decency. Yes, I know that it's hard. I have worked with special needs children and adults. However, I can guarantee that it's going to be even harder in the future when the kid is a full-grown adult with the same ways and the parents are frail and elderly. It might seem cute and manageable now, but imagine a 6' 250 lb adult child assaulting you because he wants candy and you never taught him limits. I worked in a group home for special needs people, and a significant amount were spoiled as children and living in the home because their parents could no longer take care of them. Guess who had to deal with the end product of this lousy parenting? Yep. We could not discipline them in any way, and the parents screamed when we suggested drugs to calm their violent tendencies. It was crazy. The staff turnover rate was astronomical, and I eventually quit because I felt unsafe and was fed up with the ineffective parents.
Aspie? WTF is that? Is that the latest "trendy" word for autistic?
Every idiot breeder claims their (perfectly normal, but undisciplined) kids are autistic these days, because a) it's a built in excuse every time they act like hellions and b) it's a way to get government handouts to the tune of "SSI disability". So excuse me if I don't believe them when they claim their kid has the latest "trendy" disease.
I'm a 34 year old aspie and there is *no way* my parents would have tolerated me pulling that kind of stunt anywhere! In fact, I would have been in some serious trouble to the tune of a good swat on the behind. It worked wonders.
True, when you've met one autistic child, you've met one. But, that does not excuse allowing said autistic child get away with completely rude behaviour. There are sensitivities that can cause overload and such with many of us which can in turn cause stress and coping behaviours, but that does not give any of us the right to behave like animals. Ever. Most Aspies I've met are perfectly capable of learning proper table manners.
There is a huge difference between negative coping behaviours such as self injury or even a meltdown and just plain old bad behaviour. Many people can't tell the difference between a meltdown due to stress and a tantrum caused by someone just not getting his way. In this case, the child was way out of line and in turn got a consequence that he obviously had not been given at home, thus the tantrum. (His parents allow this sort of thing, apparently?) My parents taught us those consequences every night at the dinner table. My brother and I were expected to behave at our dining room table as if we were in a restaurant. Therefore, we didn't get away with anything. Poor use of utensils, manners or even the English language were not tolerated at home. The result? My parents could take us to restaurants and we were not a bother to the other patrons. Imagine that! Why is this so difficult for people these days? Sure, the word "No" sucks for a child but it is one they need to hear because they are children and need to know what their limits are. All children need that, IMO.
Kudos to the writer of this blog for posting this! Nothing excuses anyone from poor parenting or rude public behaviour.
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