Thinking about becoming a parent?

Dear Pre-parent/s:

First, if you are thinking of becoming a parent, congratulations--for thinking first. Many get it wrong and become parents before thinking. If they ever do...

First, take it from someone nearing the middle of her 5th decade and whose child is now 20. Write this down. Memorize it. Make it your manta...Parenting changes everything. Got that? I thought not. So I'll breake it down for you.

1. Do you like your sleep? Do you wake at the crack of noon on weekends? You need a lot of sleep? Then please do not breed. Children are notorious for being awake most when you want to sleep. Babies can't wait til you've decided to wake up and tend to their needs, often before you've even had coffee. You may have to change a shitty diaper before you pee. That's reality.

I can't count the times female relatives and moms at large say "God, why can't he sleep past 5 am? I neeeeed my sleep." Then don't breed. Parenting is a long term project. Think before you breed if you can conform to a baby's schedule. It will be some time, if ever, that they conform to yours.

2. If you need "stimulation" and feel that your children will hamper your "stimulation," then please do not breed until you get it out of your system. "I wanted to study photography but now that I have kids I can't. I need the stimulation!" Get a camera and learn by doing. Babies make great subjects for photos. Share kid watching duties with another mom and take some classes. Or...now that you've decided to have children realize that for the most part your wants are not gonna come first. Especially when children are small, they have to come first.

3. Do you need to be on the go all of the times? Then you may want to delay breeding. Kids thrive on schedules and can become downright cranky when deprived of food, diaper changes, and naps in their own crib/bed and dragged from store to store to store. You may have to be on schedule...what worked for us was we got up with the son. He was washed, changed, fed. Then it was my turn. Then we ran well-thought-out errands...the grocery store, Target, drug store. Trip was planned so that it didn't take long. We would return home for some play time, lunch, then his nap. His naptime was my rest time. The afternoon was spent playing with him, and taking care of things at home instead of running the roads.

4. Babysitters...they definitely have a place but please screen prospective sitters well, and pay them well. I see parents buy themselves new toys...iPads, GPSs, smartphones. But they pay their babysitters shit. And that's usually what they get. Or, rather, the kid gets. If you can't pay a babysitter, stay home. Or buy fewer toys. One young man we know had his daughter in attendance at his high school graduation. The first year of his daughter's life, they were given cribs, clothes toys. Now she's almost 2 and he's selling his toys and everything he can get his hands on in order to pay the rent and put food on the table.

With babysitter horror stories in the news so frequently, it is obvious that parents are not properly screening sitters and trusting them with the lives of their children. Unfortuantely too many children pay the ultimate price.

Take the time to write out explicit instructions for those who will care for your child/ren. Explain to them that shaking a baby/child can result in shaken baby syndrome and the child can die or sustain life-long brain injury. Explain to them that they should never leave your child unattended, and to never leave them near water such as a pool, bathtub, or even bucket of water. Children can drown in just a few inches of water.

Many things seem like common sense but common sense ain't so common anymore. Recently, a Florida woman was riding in the back of a pickup truck and with her was the baby she was babysitting, strapped into his stroller. She reportedly commented in court "It's not like they give you a hand book or anything on how, what's neglect and what's not neglect." Story here: Woman put baby and stroller in back on pick-up truck

Write out for the sitter what is and is not neglect. What you do and do not want them to do. If you can, hell yes have a camera in your home. Kids are more important and if someone takes a job watching your child you have every right to know that your child is being cared for. If the sitter doesn't like that, feels that her privacy is being invaded, then find another sitter. I'd welcome a camera if I were watching someone's child...because I would be doing my job and had nothing to worry about. We are filmed all the time...street corners, convenience stores, malls. Children are worth more than convenience store goods.

Make things easy for your sitter. Give her a schedule. Show her where things are located. Give phone numbers where you can be reached. Provide her with phone numbers of neighbors she can call if needed. If food needs to be cut up for the child, or skins removed from grapes--tell her. No one will care for your child the way you do but you can make it easier on all if you explain what should be done.

There are nanny schools but chances are not many can afford a nanny. Most parents have to rely that the person whom they choose to care for their child has basic common sense. Who understands that her job is to care for the child, not watch the child. Care for. Hands on, doing the work. Being vigilant, attending to the child and his/her needs. Almost anyone can watch a child but not everyone can, or will, care for your child.

There will be more but this should give you some food for thought for now. Just keep thinking before you create a child...they aren't returnable.

Dear Parent is back!!!

Hopefully those who read this blog a few years ago will find it again and pass the link on...

Anonymous Parent took a few years off to concentrate on raising her son through the teen years. He is now 20 and well on his way to adulthood. I now have the time for this once again...