Sunday, December 30, 2007

Readers write...

Below are excerpts from my email, used with permission of the writers. I'll post more later.

Dear Anonymous Parent,

Thanks for your blog! Here's what happened over our Thanksgiving holiday:

My cousin is in Iraq this year, so we invited his wife and their 3 kids to stay with us for four days. Our kids are nearly grown, and we don't expect perfection from kids. We know that they are naturally louder and more energetic than older folks. I didn't take into account for spoiled rotten, however. A few instances: On the first morning I asked the girl (age 5) if she wanted milk or juice with her breakfast. She replied milk, so I gave her a cup of milk. She tasted it and spit it out all over the table. Thinking it was spoiled, I tasted it and it was fine. She cried that it wasn't what she was used to. Her mom warms it in the microwave with a teaspoon of honey. No one told me, and mom was still asleep.

The boys (7.5 year old twins) asked for soda for breakfast. I told them that I don't keep soda in the house. They said well can't you go out and get some? I told them that the next time I went to the store that I would pick up some soda. But they could have milk or juice. They drank the juice but made rude comments about not having soda.

The 5 year old girl never flushed the toilet when she was done. She did wash her hands, however. But she turned the faucets on full-force and made a mess, which of course she didn't clean up.

The boys would tease the dog and try to take his food away from him, and he'd growl and snap at them. I started feeding the dog on the screened porch, and they'd still go out and tease him. I had a talk with mom before something happened. I didn't want anyone to get bitten.

Mom said that since their dad had been deployed four months earlier, the kids wouldn't listen to her. I told her that I loved having them for the holiday, but that there had to be some rules and routine because I was being worn out taking care of their messes and putting up with their rudeness and backtalk. She replied "Well, why did you invite us here if you didn't want us?"

The next few days were hard. Mom pretty much left the kids to me (I couldn't blame her much, she'd been the only parent for four months, and many more months to come she'd be the only parent). My husband and two kids (17 and 19) helped with the cooking and cleaning. But it was difficult living with 4 people who spoke so rudely and demandingly to us. I feel sorry for those kids, if they aren't taught some manners soon, and learn how to be grateful, it will be hard for them. And as you write, hard on society!

Thanks for your blog!
-Anonymous

I don't know if you want to print this but if you do, you have my permission. My brother and his wife came to visit us on Thanksgiving day. They brought their kids, a 4 year old boy and an 8 year old boy. The den where the TV is located is just off of the kitchen. While I was cooking dinner, the boys would complain that I was making "too much racket" and they couldn't hear the TV! Their mom actually asked me if I could "keep it down a little" so they could hear. I told her that I could use some help in the kitchen and that she could mash the potatoes. Since the mixer made too much noise, I told her she could use a spoon or something. She said well, why don't we mash the potatoes when their show is over? I should have done that and served them cold potatoes!
-Anonymous

Friday, December 28, 2007

Posting "only negative comments"

A couple of readers have asked why I only post negative comments about parents and children. That's the point of this blog. It is not a touchy-feely, romanticized blog about how wonderful children are. Some children are wonderful, some are not. Some parents are wonderful, some are not. The are-not children and parents cause misery and trouble for others. Not-wonderful parents are doing their children a disservice by not teaching them properly.

Thank you to parents who are raising their children properly.

If one wishes to read blogs/websites about how wonderful kids are, the 'Net is full of such. If one does not want to read "negative" comments about parents and children, then one should find another blog to read. I'm fed up with ill-mannered kids running roughshod over others and parents who don't do anything about it, or, even worse, egg them on and laugh at them.

You've been warned...if "negative" comments on ill-mannered children and their parents bother you, this blog is not for you.

"Your story doesn't sound real"

My post on ""No" at the mall" has elicited a good number of comments, and a good number of emails as well.

Some don't believe that my experience "really happened." Well, it was kind of unreal. Bordering on surreal. But real, nevertheless.

Why would someone doubt it? There are bad parents out of there of "normal kids" (does anyone even have normal kids anymore?), there are bad parents of gifted kids, and there are bad parents of special needs kids. Because one has a special needs child does not automatically qualify one for Parent of the Year. Too many of them are abused, neglected, and in foster care. My hat is off to any parent who is doing their job well of raising their kids, special needs or not.

One comment in the post ""No" at the mall" told how her boyfriend's parents apparently didn't do such a great job of raising their Down Syndrome son, and now want their other son to take care of the brother when the parents are no longer able. Is that person making up her story?

Sticking our heads in the sand helps no one. Crappy parents have all kinds of kids. Even gifted kids. A relative of mine has 2 gifted kids (according to the public school system). I know more about the "problems" of gifted kids than I want to know. I'm regaled at family get togethers over the last round at the school, everything the mother talks about has to do with her gifted kids and their education. It's like a cult-thing. But these gifted kids (8 and 11) have yet to manage such basic manners as "please" and "thank you." They can't seem to figure out what that napkin is for, that older people and ladies go first, and that one does not fart at table.

All of this reminds me of an article that I read some years ago, written by John Rosemond. It describes parents who raised their Down Syndrome son to be responsible, instead of babying him and making his life such that he would be a burden to his future guardians.

Article: Parenting at its best

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

"No" at the mall

Circumstances almost beyond my control had me in two places that, on normal days, would be no problem. But this wasn't a normal day...it was Christmas Eve. And the places were a mall and a grocery store. Perfect places and time to observe human nature, however, and I had plenty to observe. First, the mall.

I never eat at food courts. Over-priced artery clogging fare is not my idea of food. But I was being treated by the person whom I had given a ride to the mall. Fortunately, I was able to find something that wouldn't trigger an intestinal upset.

As I'm eating with the person who had needed a ride to the mall to do some last-minute shopping, a little boy of about 6 had been running around several tables and grabbing food from the trays of those with whom he was sitting (when he sat). He then runs by our table and attempts to grab food from my tray. Knowing what he had been doing, I lifted my tray in time and told him "No, this is my food." Hearing no, he reacted violently by kicking my table and then threw himself to the floor and screamed.

His mother comes over and talks to him soothingly about the "bad person" who told him no, to come back to the table and she'd give him some cookies. She then looks at me and tells me "He's an Aspie." I asked her what that meant. "You should educate yourself! And you should learn that they have rights!" I asked if Aspie's had the right to snatch food off of the tables of total strangers.

Here's a clue for the Mom of Aspie: We all have rights. And we all have responsibilities. And we all have obligations. I didn't say that to Mom of Aspie, though. I asked her a question:

Are you familiar with the story of Helen Keller?

She said yes, she'd read the book as a child and had seen the movie.

So I asked her about Helen's early life before Annie Sullivan arrived. Did she remember what Helen was like?

Mom of Aspie's face drained of color but she didn't say anything. I reminded her that Helen had been described by family and friends as "wild, like an animal." She grabbed food from the plates of those she dined with. She ran around and knocked things to the floor. She'd hit and scratch if she didn't get her way, so she always got her way. And her father began to recognize that this could not go on, and so he looked for someone to help Helen.

Annie Sullivan is often called The Miracle Worker, and is believed by some to have used behavior modification before anyone else. Those who know the story know that Helen went on to do great things for the rest of her life, accomplishing more than many people who were not Deaf, mute, and blind.

If a child who had that many handicaps can overcome them and become world-famous, responsible, and a help to others, why cannot the children of today who are labeled Bipolar, ADD/ADHD, ODD, Aspie, and so on be trained and worked with so that they, too, can accomplish great things? Will drugging them and letting them get away with mistreating other people truly help them? Will it help society?

I would advise that parents get and read a copy of any of the books on Helen Keller's life and apply the methods she used to civilize a Deaf, mute and blind child.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

What mothers taught in the old days...

This was sent to me by a reader, author unknown. If anyone knows the author, I'll be happy to credit the source.

MOM TAUGHT ME TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning!"

MOM TAUGHT ME RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of that carpet!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'll knock you into next week!"

MOM TAUGHT ME LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why!"

MOM TAUGHT ME FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

MOM TAUGHT ME IRONY
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT CONTORTIONISM
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck?"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT WEATHER
"It looks like a tornado went through your room!"

MOM TAUGHT ME HOW TO SOLVE PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times-don't exaggerate!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate kids in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

And most of all.....

MOM TAUGHT ME THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out!"

More on "No"

My observations about parents not being able to say "No" to their kids must've struck a nerve with many folks, if the amount of emails received is any indication. Thus far I've received more email on that post than any other so far. One teacher writes that when she told one of her third grade students no, he couldn't do something, he looked at her and replied "No one ever tells me no." I can believe it. I can almost count on one finger how many times I hear parents say the "n" word to their kids.

I wonder why that is? Are they afraid that their kids won't like them? That's absurd. Their kids tell them "No!!" all the time, and don't they still love their kids? Are they afraid that their kids will cry? So what if they cry? Oh, that means that kids are unhappy, if they cry. Well, if parents think that it is their job to keep kids happy that won't help them much in life. Once kids are in school, sports, jobs, do the parents think that everyone is going to make their child happy? Kids will be expecting to be made happy. Making them happy for today won't prepare them for tomorrow.

I can almost hear it now, are we supposed to make our kids miserable? Should we neglect their happiness? No, just parent them. Correct them when they need it. Teach them manners, and expect them to use them. Teach them how to behave in someone else's home. If they misbehave or are rude to their hosts, have them apologize and then take them home. Don't make everyone else miserable so that your child is kept happy.

I think that too many parents don't say no to their kids because they are uncomfortable with the thought that their kids may be unhappy. But I think that too many parents also don't use the word no because they're afraid of what other parents might think. Parents are supposed to seem thoughtful and intelligent and talk to kids and reason with them and "redirect" them. Anything but the dreaded no word! Bargaining is big... "If you come with me now, without a fuss, we'll stop at the ice cream store on the way home." My grandmother would've said "You git yourself in that car right now or you'll be fortunate to see next week." That grandma...she never was one for talking things out. And we minded her. We knew she wouldn't beat us, but we were scared to not obey her. She also had no problem saying no. And that was good for us. We weren't always happy about it, but it was good for us.

Dear Parent, stop trying to make your kids happy and do what is good for them.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Recent observations and musings

Elton John may sing "Sorry seems to be the hardest word," but, when it comes to parents and their children, it seems that parents have great difficulty uttering "No," while their children have no problems doing so.

Recently, some friends who live in a lovely three-story home had an open house party. Families were invited. Most of the children were well-behaved. One girl, about age 7 or 8, wanted to explore the house. Even though our host and hostess greeted us at the door and showed us into the area where the festivities were taking place on the ground level (bedrooms and a study are on the second floor, the upper level is where the host and hostess do their painting, writing, and so on...it is their business area, and it is not childproof. Their children are grown, so there is no need to put their work away). The girl immediately heads up the stairs. The parents don't say anything, so the host says "Sweetie, the party is down here. Let's see what goodies we can find." The child ignores him and continues on up. The hostess goes up the stairs and turns her gently around and says "This area is private and off limits. There is lots to do and see downstairs, and other children have arrived. Let's go see them!"

Both the host and hostess were tactful, while the Dear Parents stood there acting like they've never said "no" before. The child then screams "I want to see upstairs!" and the mom looks at the host like "What's the big deal?" Neither parent says "No, honey, that area is off limits," or anything of the sort. Dad finally says "I guess they don't want people upstairs, so let's go find some candy."

A boy about 11 years old goes back for thirds on desserts, bypassing people in line who haven't had any yet. Mom says "Rotney, don't you think you should let others have a turn?" Rotney replies "No, there's plenty for them."

A two-year-old screams "Noooooo" when her parents ask if she needs her diaper changed.

Being an observer of human nature, I mentally note how parents and children interact and find such observations very interesting. I'm keeping score on how many time I hear parents say "No," and how many times children say "No." Actually, most children say "No!!!!!" Very emphatic "no," you know where they stand. Parents can't even get out a simple "No." They ask questions "Wouldn't you like to...?," or "Don't you think...?," or "Isn't it time to...?" So far, the kids are winning (only for the short term, many parents don't see 'the big picture'). Dear Parent, NO is simple, so simple a child can say it! Even a two-year old!

Dear Parents, if you have a hard time saying No to your child now, wait until they are teens. And if they never hear No from you, they will not like it when they hear No from teachers, coaches, or the nice policeman. With apologies to Elton John, "No" seems to be the hardest word.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

The Too Cute Family, Part Two

From the comments I've received, several readers have a problem with what I posted regarding the Too Cute Family. That my comments could be hurtful. Or, what if I should one day come down with a chronic illness, who would listen to me moan and groan about it? (I'm paraphrasing but the original comments are in the post below).

So, my looking at photos of children is my payment to others so that they'll listen to me moan and groan? Number one, I do have a chronic illness. I have it, but it doesn't have me. Number two, I don't moan and groan about it or bore people with details. Most people don't even know.

What inspired my original post was receiving the link to a family website that had 23 pages. Correction: 23 pages of thumbnails...each photo, about a dozen per page, had to be individually clicked on to view it. One reader said that it is easy to ignore websites (again, I'm paraphrasing the original comment). Not so in this age of stat counters that show where traffic comes from, ISP used, browser, etc. If you try to fake it "That one of Timmy going down the slide backwards was so cute," and that was the only photo you looked at, they come back with "Didja see the one of Susie with the clown, and the one of Timmy eating the snow cone, and the one..."

Most of the parents that I know, especially those with young children, seem to be making this photo thing a hobby. Scrapbooks, websites, email attachments, photos by the dozens when you meet them at the grocery store. I truly don't get it. And I am truly bored by it. I love hearing what my friends are up to, but it seems that all many of them are up to is photographing their children's every move. I asked a woman that I know "So, what have you been up to?" "I'm exhausted! All I do is take the kids to karate, soccer, swimming, art classes, gymnastics, drama, Kindermusic," etc., etc., etc. Sad that so many parents give up having a life once they have children. One can still have interests besides having children, without neglecting them. What a concept!

One website showed a little girl wearing not less than 15 outfits, mainly dresses. I remarked to the mother "Susie sure has a lot of dresses!" The mom then confides that Susie may only have one or two dresses...she "buys" clothing, hides the tags, has her daughter photographed in the clothing, and then returns the items to the store. Incredible. Seeing my shocked expression, she says "Oh, all the moms do it!" Not all the moms. It never occurred to me.

My beef is with the constant barage of photos, and videos. Being invited to the homes of some people for a meal ends up being pizza on our laps while watching videos of the Too Cute Family, and having to "oooh" and "aaah" over the videos. Then there are the video links to youtube they want us to watch. Don't these folks have a life? What are they going to do when these children grow up and don't want to be dressed up and photographed anymore? What are the parents going to do when the kids leave home? Kids do grow up, and too fast. I think that those are likely the parents who will suffer big time from the empty nest syndrome. And may be the meddling in-laws, destined to become out-laws.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

The "too cute" family

From time to time, I receive emails from friends and family with photos of their children, or links to family websites. They are not interesting in the least, except maybe to immediate family. Why do these "Kodak moments" have to be shared on websites with anyone other than the immediate family? If they were interesting photos...The Louvre, for instance. Or the Leaning Tower of Pisa, or the Grand Canyon, maybe. But no. Here's Mommy and Junior taking a nap. Here's Mommy and Sissy taking a nap. Here's Daddy and Junior taking a nap. Here's Daddy and Sissy taking a nap. What, no Mommy and Daddy taking a nap?

Why do parents, mothers, think the whole world is interested in seeing their napping pictures? "Look how cute we are!" is what they seem to be saying, but why? It never occured to me to take family nap photos, let alone think of sharing such photos with the world if we had taken such photos.

Here's Sissy in the sand. Here's Junior in the sand. Here's Daddy and Junior in the sand...Ooooh. The Cute Family at the beach. Quick, someone write a book with a Movie of the Week deal.

Then there's The Cute Family and birthday parties. They aren't interesting in real life, why would we care about photos of the parties? Dear Parent, most of us aren't interested.

Then there are the scrapbooks that the Mommy's of The Too Cute Family put together. Dear Parent, when you've seen one photo of your kid, we've seen them all. Twenty shots of the same kid standing on the same steps is a tad repetitive. I'm sure that you are aware of all of the nuances of your children's expressions, but they all look the same to us. Whole scrapbooks are tedious to sit through. We don't care where you got the special blue paper (unless we ask), or the little miniature sports stickers and doo dads. When I see the scrapbooks coming out, I quickly remember a dental appointment.

Not only are photos of other peoples kids boring, but I wonder about the "why" of the whole thing...why does the Too Cute Family (can't blame the kids for what the parents do) want the whole world to see them in the intimate moments of napping? Why do they want us to see the birthday parties, the gifts, every move they make? All kids have a First Day of Kindergarten/Preschool, why are we interested in yours? The only thing that I can think of to say is "That's too cute!"

I'm sure that you take that as a comppliment, Dear Parent. But think for a moment before sending out photos of the family that should stay in the family. What is it that you are saying by sending the photos out to the world? "Look how cute we are"? I take it as a form of showing off. Not an admirable quality. And those of us who do not engage in such showing off wonder what happened to your brain once you became a parent!

Sunday, December 2, 2007

More dumb questions parents ask...

"Don't you think that you should share that with Susie?"

If Bratney thought that she should share, she would share. Sharing is something that one teaches children from early on. Children do not wake up thinking "Today, I think I'll share!"

"How many times do I have to tell you...?"

One should do it. But parents tell and tell and tell, and Rotney refuses to listen. Then the parents shrug their shoulders and say "I tried." Mule muffins! Dear parent, grow a spine. Don't pretend that you are telling your child anything. You're just making noise. You need to act. Tell once, at the most. Then act. Be the parent!

I'm a PNB! And proud of it!

I received an email from a reader who said that my blog was refreshing "coming from a PNB." I didn't know what a PNB was, so I Googled it and learned that a PNB "Stands for “Parent, Not Breeder” – in other words, a good parent, not a shitty parent. As in: “My brother is a PNB”

The reverse is "BNP -- Stands for “Breeder, Not Parent” Some people use the term BNP instead of “Breeder” because it sounds less insulting. It basically refers to a bad parent (in contrast to “PNB” – a good parent.)

These definitions, and more, are located at this website: Happily Childfree/Glossary of terms

Warning: Not for the humor impaired! Dear Parent, please read these definitions. Even some of us PNB's agree with the terms. Such as "Mommyism -- A form of feminism that focuses on getting special rights for mommies and screwing over childfree women and men in the process. Example: Mommies want flextime in the office, but don't think anyone but them should get it."

I've seen women in the grocery store, kids in tow, deciding that the line was too long for them to wait and, if no one would give in to their sighs and rude stares, they'd walk out with their hot prepared foods muttering "I'll pay for it next time." Yeah, right. And like the rude mommies who've just picked their kids up from daycare after work and make rude comments about those of us there sans child "Why can't those people shop earlier in the day?" They bitch that "we" (anyone without a kid with them) make life harder for them because we don't shop when it is convenient for them! The same ones who proclaim that stay at home mommies are letting their brains go to mush, but then ask the mush-brains to run errands, close windows if it rains, and wait for packages and deliverymen!

And don't even get me started on mommies who have their kids names hanging on their necklaces, their license plates, their screen names, and so on. It is easy to see who rules those roosts! Parents, once you become parents, do you suddenly forget that you have a spouse (if indeed you have one, of course)? Do you forget that you were a person before you had kids, with hobbies, interests besides what color Bratney's poop is, or what age Rotney toilet trained??? Parents, act like you have a brain! Cut the cutesy sing song voice, ditch the "mama2joey" screen name, the "4kds4me" license plate. Read a book with more than 20 words in it, read a newspaper, go to museums. Have a life!